Notes from the Parish Nurse

Losing a loved one is one of the most painful events in one’s life. We long for family and friends to support us when we are in the midst of grief, but they may feel uncomfortable and not know what to say. They fear they might upset us or remind us of our grief. Unfortunately, their discomfort with death can sometimes make us feel even more alone and sad. Following are some phrases to AVOID when speaking with a person who is grieving. 

• You are so lucky to have had him/her all these years. 

• She/he is in a better place. 

• At least he/she had a long life; some people die so young. 

• There is a reason for everything. I am sure God has a reason. 

• How are you doing? (Most people who lose a loved one are not “doing” well and this question often makes them feel as if they have to say “fine” when they are not.) 

• You will be okay after a while. 

• I understand just how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. (And then go on to talk about your own grief and loss.) 

• You shouldn’t feel that way. Don’t cry! 

• Try to focus on your blessings. Think about the positive. 

• At least she/he is not suffering anymore. 

• You can get remarried. OR You are young enough to have more children. 

• It has been longer than a year, don’t you think you should move on? 

Remember, grief is a very personal experience with no prescribed timeline. We never “get over” the death of a loved one. We learn to live a different live, but the loss is still there. 

What can we say when someone is grieving? We need to say very little. It is better to just be present and listen if the grieving person wants to talk. Following are some phrases you could use when speaking with a person who is grieving. 

• I am so sorry. 

• I wish I had the right words. Please know I care deeply. 

• I cannot know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can. (Even better than offering to help, is to actually suggest things you could do to help, such as prepare some meals, sit and listen, offer transportation, mow the lawn, help with the memorial service etc.) 

• You and your loved ones are in my prayers. 

• My favorite memory of________________(the loved one) is 

• I am always just a phone call away. I promise just to listen. 

• Take your time to grieve. 

• Be gentle with yourself. Grieving is hard work. 

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve. 

• This is so hard, isn’t it? 

• You are allowed to feel and be exactly as you are because this is your experience and no one else’s. 

• It is okay to be angry (or any other emotion). Your feelings are normal. 

• Tell me what you miss most about your loved one. 

• You do not need to apologize for crying. Tears are important in the healing process. 

One person said, “I longed for someone to just sit with me, not talking, not expecting conversation, just being there, holding my hand, accepting my tears, my sadness, and despair.” Another person said, “At some of the darkest moments of my life, some people I thought of as friends deserted me—some because they cared about me and it hurt them to see me in pain; others because I reminded them of their own vulnerability and that was more than they could handle. But, real friends overcame their discomfort and came to sit with me. If they didn’t have words to make me feel better, they sat in silence.” From Rabbi Harold Kushner’s book, Living a Life That Matters, 2001, New York: Random House. 

Information from the Faith Community Nurse Network of the Twin Cities